My Kids Are FaceTubing...

A friend recently had a freak out on Facebook about his ex-wife getting their son a cell phone and helping him set up a Facebook account. He's 8. My daughter is 8 as well. At first I agreed with him. They had discussed it and agreed on a strict "no Facebook" policy. The ex-wife broke that agreement. He had every right to be upset, I thought. But my very next thought was, "What can he do about it?" And the answer is--NOTHING: Not a damn thing. When their son is at his mom's, he will Facebook to his heart's content.

Then this happened...

My children got the Kindle Fire for Christmas. They immediately wanted to "Facebook" with us. I began to panic. Ideas of a forgotten childhood, lost innocence and lack of discipline ran through my head. What if they embarrass themselves? What if they embarrass ME??

But here's the rub: they wanted to Facebook with their PARENTS. They don't want to "Facebook" to be connected to cynical underground societies. They want to be part of MY SOCIETY. They want to hang with the relatives, the FamBam! They want to "share" pictures of kittens and puppies and "Like" AFV clips.

I finally realized three important things.

1. The best place to hide is right out in the open. 

I want control and I want it BAD. But from the time children are born, the only control parents really have is an illusion. We are more like bumpers on a bowling lane, constantly making sure the kids don't fall in the gutter. There is no better way to "control" their experiences than letting them have those experiences RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. They will trip. They WILL fall. Your only job as a parent is to help them brush off the dirt and get rolling again. And the more you help them, the less you'll have to. So, when they become adults, they just might have some pretty petty mistakes behind them. And won't that make you feel better when it comes time to let them go?

Also, imagine the public support you can give them. You don't just have to whisper, "I love you" in their ears at bedtime; you can announce it proudly on their timeline! Letting more than just your kids know that you've got their back.

2. They will like what you like, whether or not you like that!

When an 8 year old gets on Facebook. Her/His only friends are your friends. If your friends are embarrassing than you should re-think your choice in associations. True, I only have 88 friends on Facebook, but I dearly love every single one of them and trust them to represent a world in which my kids can hang... and may even get a little bored. I hear a lot about lost innocence in the face of a corrupt world, but there is something to say for bringing a little innocence into a corrupt world. Maybe the world around us, like that guy that gets drunk and starts telling sexist jokes at a party, just needs a friendly reminder that there are kids present. 

Remember: It may take a village to raise a child, but in the 21st century, that village is virtual and it's filled with your choice of supervisors. No village in history was ever made up of only citizens a parent approved of. Take advantage!

3. Like fighting with their siblings, you really hope they outgrow it.

I don't know how many times I've thought that I'm getting too old for Facebook, but then my mom shares something cool and there I am, using hieroglyphics to express my enthusiasm. Over all, it bores me, but I've been there for 10 years. If my kids are "over it" in 10 years, they will be midway through college. So, when all their friends, who experienced Facebook prohibition for the past decade of their lives, start posting stupid shit and airing dirty laundry and drama for the world to see, there's a pretty good chance my kids will unplug, unfriend, or at least disengage. 

It seems redundant at this point, but prohibition never worked. Tell a kid to stay away from the window and as soon as you're not looking she/he will look out the damn window. However, giving freedom and teaching responsibility has had great results in recent history. Call yourself a bumper. Call yourself a referee. Call yourself a life coach... but if you call yourself unprepared, remember that your child is growing and thank goodness for that!

4. Parents still make rules.

Because my children are too young to have a Facebook account, their accounts are my accounts. Sure, they may play on them and comment on posts, and post pictures, etcetera, but until they are 13 years old, mom, dad and grandma reserve the right to shut it down. Hopefully that never happens, but if if does, hopefully it doesn't happen until after they have experienced some minor failure and subsequent retro- and introspection. It's good for growth.

In short...

I realized that the only time I struggle with my kids is when I am trying to baby them. My kids constantly amaze me with their level of maturity, and the only thing I could possible do to ruin our relationship is to impede upon their personal growth. At their age, they still listen to my advice, heed my warnings and accept my guidance. Letting them grow up is the only option I have ever had since their birth, and the brilliant thing is that children NEED to jump headlong into things they are not ready for, because that is how they grow. All we ever need to be to children is accepting life coaches.

So, I've crossed my fingers and let them jump. Now all I have to do is be supportive and a little watchful... but isn't that the definition of parenthood?