Define "Fuckable"

I couldn't imbed this:

Brave Fan Asks Patrick Stewart a Question

But it's fantastic and heart-warming!

Then there's this:

Megyn Kelly DEMOLISHES Sexist Fox Pundits

And if you notice, this man is not just putting down women, he is also attacking men! 

In saying that women shouldn't work, he is saying that men can't handle taking care of their own children. There are many stay at home dads these days. I wonder how they feel about such a blatantly sexist comment against their ability to father properly. It's disgusting if you ask me.

Actually, I need advice.

Today is the 14 year Anniversary of my marriage to my adorable and supportive husband, and as I pick an outfit for this evening, I wonder if any man in this world could tell me the difference between "cute," "fuckable," and "asking for it." Then tell me which one I should pick for a night out with a 6'1" blonde-haired, blue-eyed, hunk-of-a-feminist, liberal, who has loved me for who I am for fourteen years; because, after all, whatever I could possibly be "asking for," he would be fantastic at delivering!

Someone please enlighten me. I think we are both confused at this point.

PMS funk

Today at the gym, I was in one of my if-one-more-guy-looks-at-my-ass-or-one-more-girl-judges-my-faux-hawk-I’m-gonna-yank-my-pad-off-and-slap-it-to-their-back-like-a-kick-me-sign-PMS funks.

I’m better now.

Big HOLES

So apparently some Douche Bag at The University for Douche-bags was standing at an entrance holding a sign that said, "You deserve rape." No Douche-bag, nobody DESERVES rape. It isn't against the law to be promiscuous or scantily clad. If it was, the jails in Florida would fill up every spring break. When people commit crimes, however, then there are consequences that may be "deserved." So, while your sign is absolutely incorrect, the corrected version could read, "If you rape, you DESERVE a SCROTUM STOMPING!" Because rape is wrong ya' bug-fuckers!

Now ask yourself this question. What behavior do you participate in that would warrant some big man taking advantage of you? Because when you say that people can deserve rape, remember that you are a big HOLE too! (and go fuck yourself)

Oh...

Never mind.

Steve-The-Sleaze Kush aka Dickless

To Steve-The-Sleaze Kush,

Since you have taken to commenting on people's appearance saying, "she was hot enough to almost make me register democrat," I would like to point out that while your Fugly Mug isn't why I will NEVER register as a Republican, your matching personality is enough to keep me from masturbating for the rest of my life. Good job dick-less. Luckily there will always be people like Matt Damon (winning personality, liberal views, intelligence, and oh-yeah, he is nice to look at), to give my nipples an excuse to get hard again. 

My point is this. If you are going to comment on a woman's looks, and suggest that they can sway your decisions, you are in desperate need of a good, LONG, look in the mirror.

Sincerely,

Nacho Object

p.s. 

On a personal note: I think you are a dick-less sonuvabitch and I can't wait until your species is extinct. How's that for a "radical bitch?"

Chemical Warfare

I'm trying to comprise a simple breakdown of the "Death Count vs. Terrorist Weapon" argument brewing in everyone's mind due to recent events, but my dog keeps farting loudly behind me. If I were to light a match, we might experience a small explosion of our own.

I'm not trying to make light of the situations, any of them. It seems to me that we now live in a society where the only people who have the power to change lives are killers with weapons, and if they choose to commit a crime, there is nothing we can do to stop them.

Recently, we had a false alarm where I work. I went in just a little uneasily the next day. I worry every time I step foot into the classroom. But I can suspect a classroom full of hooligans of having what it takes to remove me from my most prized possessions (my kids) and there isn't a damn thing anyone could do about it. Until there are deaths, and even after, we are no closer to preventing these life-changing events. Every time I hear of another shooting, bombing, killing, I think What now? What before? What ten years from now will we have changed?

The stench just hit me. It's time for bed.

Spreading Sunshine

I saw the best example of laziness on my way home today. This large woman was dressed in one of those ridiculous Lady Liberty costumes for Liberty Tax Service, but instead of dancing, she was texting, holding the iPhone in the hand that was resting on her engorged gut while waving haphazardly with the other. It was amazing.

Now See! There I go again.
I'm irritated with myself so I'm finding faults in everyone around me. How do I know she wasn't about to break out into some righteous jig? Sometimes, I swear, I should lock me up and throw away the key.

I'll come back when I love myself again.

I know how you feel.

Golf Clap

It's time again for some reflection. I just gave a campus tour to one of our visiting scholars. Actually she's a candidate for an open position in the English Department. She's a smart women--she's written multitudes beyond me--but I couldn't stand her facade. She was obsequious almost the entire time with absolutely no need to be. I don't choose the professors here--have no say in it what-so-ever. But what bothered me the most is that I am not a negative person, yet she kept making me feel like I was being negative. Here's how it would happen: I would be saying something positive about an aspect of the campus, she would ask a probing question, I would respond with positivity, she would ask a personal question, I would tell her what I could, she would boost up what I said in some obnoxious way forcing me to either boast about myself or be humble, I would choose comedy and put myself down in an amusing way and, instead of laughing, she would rebut my joke. Oh.. that's what it was. She had no sense of humor. Ugh... how do these people exist on a daily basis without laughing? I mean, look around. This shit is funny! Maybe my preferred humor is too dark or snarky. Maybe people like to keep it light. How do you even do that?

Damn. I hoped to write this and answer some of my questions, not discover more.

What is the major difference between light and dark humor? And the real question: Is light humor even funny? or does it just produce the laughter equivalent to a golf clap?

I hope this woman was just nervous. If she gets hired, I hope to find out that instead of a golf clapper she's really an Arsenio Hall fist-pumper.



GIFSoup

And by "great" I mean

I'm going to lie down and read, and by "read" I mean "think about tomorrow," and by "think about tomorrow" I mean "over-analyze my lesson plan," and by "lesson plan," I mean "one sentence description of something I've done only once before," and by "sentence," I mean "fragment," and by "once," I mean "never."  I'm sure it'll be great! Maybe I'll just read.

Flu-like Symptoms

I just couldn't NOT share.

Click the screenshot for a better image:

The Price of Polish

Walgreens Employee: Can I help you find anything?

CyniSister: Have you seen this new fingernail polish that cracks as it dries?

Walgreens Employee: Yes.

CyniSister: Do you carry any of that?

Walgreens Employee: Tons. Do you know what brand you like best?

CyniSister: Uh, I guess I should go with the cheapest brand. I'm a teacher, not a stripper.


I felt pretty proud of that little quip, but when I realized that the polish really was more than I was willing to spend, I thought, Why am I getting an education?

Bullet Proof Bargains

I found myself at Cabela's today. I was looking for a soft tackle box to use as a purse, but I couldn't find any well-made ones, and they all said "Cabela's" on them. After a little more shopping, though, I ended up in the firearms department. It was busier than the rest of the store, and I almost turned around and got the hell out of there, but then I thought, wait, there is something I could shop for here! I looked for a little while, but then I walked up to a busy counter and asked loudly, "Could you point me in the direction of the bullet-proof vests? I can't seem to find them." "Ma'am, we do not carry bullet-proof vests," was the response I received. I said, "None? Not even in a different department?" The gentleman behind the counter only shook his head and I suddenly felt extremely unsafe. I was standing in the firearms section of a Cabela's in Wichita, Kansas, surrounded by more rifles, ammo, and reactionary bigots than bullet-proof anything. I was never more relieved to leave for the Goodwill.

This sells for $130 AND DOES NOT STOP BULLETS.

This stops bullets and sells for over $300 and you have to register on the site you buy it from.

This is an ad online by some guy who says he will "trade for other pistols, coins, or cash." I wish I was making this up.

We're all fucked. Thought you should know.

1BMF

Last night we arrived home later than usual. We were all hungry and I was only starting to cook dinner, so we all snacked. Do you want to know what my kids snacked on? Clementines, bananas, carrots, and celery. Why? Because I am one BAD MOTHER FUCKER -- that's why!

What I mean to say is that our lovely selection of food along with the eating habits of my children are a major source of contentment in my life, but I like the way I said it the first time, don't you?



(Our sack-lunches are pretty fuckin' righteous too, if I do say so myself.)

Happy Snacking World!

Sinister 2.0

I forgot. This is a great selling point for all those Pro-Lifers out there who also believe in the right to bear assault rifles! You people make my ass twitch.

Too Daniel Tosh? Too bad. It's true.

A Nice Dash of Paprika

I am delighted to relay this story to you. In fact, I am so excited, I scarcely know where to begin. There is so much that led up to this moment, and it was so awesome that I almost shared it's content, play-by-play, with every being I came in contact with since.

I NARFFLED THE GARTHOCK!!

Let's begin with this annoying mother at my kids' school, Leech. Once she spots you, she seizes your attention for conversation and NEVER LET'S YOU GO. This wouldn't be so bad, but Leech is that woman who is practiced in the art of negativity, but has yet to develop a reliable habit of brushing her teeth which are small and speckled, and as she talks through a tight jaw about anything and everything ugly in this world she somehow manages to omit herself. In fact, she loves to complain about how other people do their jobs, but offers no introspection on her own follies, and to make matters more interesting, she just so happens to teach where I do which she assumes makes us instant buddies. It doesn't. For a very long time I have refrained from writing about this specimen because if she ever found herself googling such phrases as "Leech sucks a fart out of my ass" or "The day Leech sucked my will to live" she might stumble upon my no-name blog and find she has a lot in common with the topic; but alas, I have come to realize that to humble this preposterous peacock would, in fact, be achieving a new standard of pride in my world. So here goes ...

"The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpening my tongue." -Dorothy Parker

She spotted me. It was not a big feat since I was the only one in the room at the time. She came over and immediately asked if I was ready for the spring semester to start. Knowing that she was searching for a neighbor in Negativity Land, I told her cheerily that, "Yes! Actually" I was. She asked if I was taking classes this semester, though she knew the answer, and I told her that I was not taking the required three: just two. She looked at me pityingly and said, "It's hard with a family." I shrugged and said, "Hell, it's hard without one. I have friends that said they couldn't do it. They take only two classes even when they're not teaching." She seemed to think this was despicable--I thought she might. Her nose shot up into the air, "Well five classes was minimum at my university--<sniff>--ivy league, you know. That's standard for ivy leagues." I was so NOT in the mood for her today, so I'm not sure why I was encouraging her. I told her I didn't see how that was possible since you could add up the pages of required reading in one week and see that there actually weren't enough days in the week to finish. She said, "You're supposed to hone the skill of skimming," and this is where it got fun. 

Leech: <smugly> "You're supposed to hone the skill of skimming, I think."

Me: <thoughtfully> "I would have thought ivy leaguers would have 'honed' that skill as undergrads." 

Leech: <slightly deflated head> "Well, they assign that amount of reading for a reason. They have to."

Me: <increasing momentum> "But if it isn't to actually READ it then you're really just earning a degree in bullshitting." (State School 2 - Ivy League 0)

Leech: <still fighting feebly> "They just, you know, challenge ...<trailing off>" 

Me: <gaining ground> "And they produce people like Bill O'Reilly, so I'm really not impressed."

Silence

Me again: <laughing> "Actually, it makes sense. Bill O'Reilly probably still doesn't read anything"  

BOO-YAH! With this, the Leech let go and walked away. Peace at last!

Hey kids, let this be a lesson.

In education, you get out what you put in. You don't need an Ivy League degree to be intelligent, but you DO need an Ivy League degree if you want everyone around you to think you're intelligent even when you're not.