Predicted The Future

I'm writing a paper this week and will probably slack properly by posting recipes and videos from here on out, but today I would like to take the opportunity to say:

I told you so!!!!

Ok, so I'm being a bit childish, but I can help noticing that EXACTLY one week ago yesterday Network News broadcasted a story about a red-neck shooting his daughters laptop with a gun. And EXACTLY one week later, there was a high school shooting! It's as if I can predict the future! WAKE UP SHEEP! Monkey see; monkey do!!!! LEAD BY EXAMPLE! If we don't expect adults to think about their actions we certainly can't expect high school students to. However I expect BOTH!

"Wait, wait, wait," you say, "Are you blaming the dude who shot the computer for causing a high school shooting?"

Yes. Partially, I am. He did, after all, take the additional step to tape record it and post it to YouTube for the world to see. What kind of publicity do you think the high schooler was expecting to get??

Do I blame the shooter's parents? Absolutely, but again, partially. I mean, they can't be expected to lock up EVERY gun in their house can they? Or teach their child that we don't solve problems with violence.

But you know who else I assign a quarter of the blame?  All the parents out there that had the audacity (and stupidity) to support the red-neck's "Facebook Parenting" technique. You are doing nothing be creating a world where problems are handled with violence. The issue here, is that you don't always get to decide what is a problem and what isn't. 

I also blame network television and the idiot child that took the gun to school, equally.

**Moral Of The Story**

When parents bitched because they couldn't enforce seat belt usage and children were dying, the government stepped in and mandated seatbelt use.

When parents couldn't keep teens from buying over the counter drugs and getting high with them, the government stepped in and required identification for buying Nyquil.

But now, we have parents using guns irresponsibly and all I hear about is how Obama is going to take them away. Well, he isn't. He's probably only going to make them harder to obtain and make the punishment for using them to commit a crime (like shooting at high school classmates) more stringent, but after these last two weeks, I wish he would take them away. If you aren't going to act like an adult, how can you possibly expect the government to treat you like one?

Slingin' Insults

Leaving through the inner double-doors of the gym I saw a man outside, fiddling to free a hand for opening the door, which he did just as I was coming into the foyer. Having already opened my door and obviously not lacking a free hand, I held the door open for him too. But upon seeing me holding the door, this man almost jumped a foot off the ground to turn and go back outside to hold the door for me. Since I promised myself, years ago, not to stoop to the intelligence level of a slug just to make someone feel more comfortable in their own ignorance, I just kept on holding the door with a big grin on my face. This man became totally flabbergasted and in the two seconds that he swept past me said, "I guess we're playing some role reversal today, huh! Must be leap-year or something." The doors were closed before I could utter so much as a "Schmuck!" He really made me feel like shit for trying to help. Oh well, he was probably just PMSing or something.

This has been only one of three instances when men have gone out of their way to make me feel like a woman(and not at all in a delicious, sultry way) this week. 

On Tuesday evening I was at the grocery store filling two five-gallon water bottles. The first one was complete and in the cart, the second one had just begun filling when an older gentleman with four jugs queued up. His jugs were clean, round and firm, but like most men's jugs, empty. I slid my cart over to make room for him and we started having a conversation about why I don't just have Culligan delivered and how nice the water coolers are these days. We were having a great conversation until my second 5-gallon bottle was finished and as I lifted it to put in my cart he asked, "Where's your Man? Why isn't he here helping you with that?" Feeling extremely comfortable around this man, I simply smirked knowingly and told him my "man" is "at home with the children. We each have our place." I think he understood my slight because he immediately seemed apologetic but it was as if he didn't know why. Well, if he could read this, I would explain. You see, whether or not he saw me as a minority in need of help or disabled in need of help, our conversation never turned to the fact that he was black or that he had an oxygen tank with tubes going to his nose. Although I almost asked about the Jive-Turkey shades he was wearing in the well-lit store, but only because I kinda liked them. Him asking me where my "man" was would be like me asking him which whitey was paying for his water. But, you see, it took me five days to come up with that one because I'm not racist; now if only people could cease being sexist around me, that would be SUPER.

In case you're curious about the third incident of sexism this week. It isn't that impressive; the bagger at the grocery store had to use plastic bags when he couldn't fit my groceries into the SEVEN reusable bags I brought from home because he put four items in each. They were nice and light so as not to strain my delicate self as I lifted them into the car. Then he just announced loudly, rather than asking, that he would help me out to my car. I simply told him I would not need his assistance and thanked him kindly, but upon relaying the story to my husband we decided that maybe "bitch" needs to be the new "kind." I've known plenty of women that would have made that bagger cry for a) not knowing how to bag and b) assuming they needed help. My favorite reaction would have come from a bartender I knew from New York City who would have made a loud reference to a "retawd-sanwich" and stood there re-bagging her groceries correctly while he watched. She could throw an insult at a moron faster than seagulls snatch french fries, but in Kansas, I have to wonder if anyone would understand her. 

Feed Sixteen Monkeys on $3 or less!

It was our turn to bring a snack for the kindergarten class today. I needed something I could pick up from the store that was healthy and kid friendly. I love apples, but bananas are my new best friend. At 49¢ a pound, I was able to buy seventeen (sixteen kiddies and one teacher) bananas for $2.75! WATCH OUT! This may be the snack I pack every time! As the check-out lady filled my snack bag with bananas, I told her that I knew a lot of monkeys; it wasn't too far from the truth.

At the gym, after my banana business, I was huffing it hard on the treadmill. I slowed to a walk at one point and the elderly gentleman next to me, who had stopped walking minutes before, told me I had made him tired. (Hehe, men tell me that all the time.) Then he gave me a very nice compliment; he said, "You're in good shape" and I said, "Oh, I know I am!" JUST KIDDING! Actually, I thanked him heartily. I especially appreciated his wording. It wasn't a "looking good" or "that's hot" pseudo-compliment. Being in "good shape" alludes more to heart, lungs, and muscles; I considered it to be a huge compliment. But, I'll save the sarcastic Oh-I-know-I-am responses for the compliments on my appearance. That should be fun.

Confidential to a Lovely Lady

I had a pretty busy day today. Wednesday's I spend the entire day on campus, but luckily that included a lot of outside, 70 degree, sunny time.

When I got home, the hubby confessed -- as I have done on many occasions -- that he was tired and decided to throw some frozen pizzas in the oven. It was nice to find out that this perfect Dad has lazy nights too. And the pizza was delicious.

My runs have been FANTASTIC lately and I would love to tell you all about it, but I'm tired and I have one more thing to do tonight:

I can't go to bed without sharing this and not feel like a giant ass. Below is the beginning clip of a Colbert Report. He was out last week because his mother fell ill -- as far as we know -- and upon returning, he abolishes some of the rumors then gives a tiny solute to her. Note: He is one of eleven children and this is the classiest shout-out I've ever seen. Check it out, you won't regret it.

The Colbert Report
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Fucktards: The New Minority

Did you hear the story about the guy who shot his daughters laptop because she went off on him in her Facebook status? YEE HAW! I heard about it! You know why I heard about it? Because so-called health clubs aren't about health at all, but about making money and kow-towing to pop-culture. In other words, the loud-ass, fucking television was blaring this moron's story on NATIONAL TELEVISION while I was trying to peacefully prepare for my run. (I'm a little ticked about it)
Don't get me wrong. I am way more mad that the "story" was being broadcast on television than I am about this idiot and his dumb daughter. However, now that it was made my business, against my will, I would like to have a bit of fun at his expense. How could I not?
Obviously, we must remember that although this type of story makes our entire nation seem like a righteous bunch of fuck-tards, this case is relatively isolated. We have a Fuck-tard minority in this country regardless of what Fox News is reporting.
Now, there were a lot of nay-sayers going off on this gentleman for being a moron. Some would say he is a bad representative for Apes. I am not quite that pessimistic. I think he's actually just one back-fire away from winning a Darwin Award. ***WINNING!*** Good job!
What boggles me is that there's a little theory called leading by example. Now, by this man's logic, his daughter is raising him; after all, she took something that should have been handled within the family and posted it publicly on Facebook. Her Father, following her example; shot her computer, video-taped it, and posted it on Youtube. To quote Red Forman from That 70's Show, "DUMBASS!"
An even better example to set for your children is using a GUN to solve your problems. I swear when red-necks act this way, they really aren't thinking about the future generations and how they will always try to one-up us. When she decides to follow his example she may use a bazooka or a hand grenade. Let's hope she's out of the house by then, huh dad? But the REAL kicker is that she had a problem with her chores and aired it publicly on FB; he had a problem with her computer usage and shot it with a gun; let's hope she doesn't decide that next time her problem is with her Father and decide to follow his example.
I'm not saying she'll shoot him in the face -- using a gun will be so yesterday -- I'm just saying that if she does, well, he kinda taught her to do that.
But hey! Look at the bright side! You still get that Darwin Award Nomination.

WINNING!

p.s. I watched the first part of the video and I tend to agree with the daughter. She pours your coffee??? WTF?! But even if she is just a sniveling brat, she was only exercising her freedom of speech; it's a non-violent act.

Vademecum

Friday - February 17, 3012


Executed Schedule


 9:15  ATM


 9:30  Gym


11:00 First Teacher Conference


11:30 Second Teacher Conference


12:30 Lunch at BK for children so well-behaved during conferences!


1:30 Grocery Story


3:00 Home to put away groceries and get directions to b-day party.


3:30 To store for gift


4:00 Birthday Party - Happy Birthday to you little friend!


6:00 Home


7:30 Dinner


9:30 CRASH!


Saturday - February 18, 2012 

So Far:


7:00 Coffee


7:30 Home-made donuts


8:30 Super Mario Bros.


12:00 Yoga


12:30 Shower


1:30 Wonder what I should do with the rest of my day.

Arm-butts

I've had a cold for the last few days. It's been a drag and I haven't felt like going to the gym. Today, however, I felt better and decided to brave the rapids. I was nervous about running because I had taken a longer-than-usual break. BUT all my worrying was in vain! My muscles remembered exactly what to do and even felt great doing it.  Everything was back to normal: the wheezing, coughing, snorting, and sniffing aside.

Tuesday the two kindergarden classes celebrated Valentine's Day with a "Royal Banquet." The Hubby and I showed up dressed in our Royal garb to serve them snacks. He was Prince Charming and I was the Queen of Hearts. The kids loved it and I think the parents did too. We were even asked to pose for a picture with one of the kids -- ha! It was a very fun afternoon and that night the kids fell asleep listening to Daddy read a bedtime story; then, seeing that they had fallen asleep, he put down the book and began to snore as well. I had to get them all into the proper beds before hitting the hay myself. Who needs Disney characters? Somedays, we're living the fairy tale.

IN OTHER NEWS:

In case you were wondering what part of my body I took a picture of and had the gall to post on my blog and twitter.....

It was my ARM!

Whenever you can, get ahold of your friends phones
and make your arm-butt their wallpaper.
They'll love it!

Public Service Announcement

I share the uncommon opinion that people should try to refrain from scowling while also breathing through their mouth. Understandably, if one should find oneself confused, or upset, while simultaneously fighting a cold, there could be reason for such mannerisms to be in combination on one's face. However, if one could refrain from physically appearing confused, or upset, when dealing with a stuffy nose, it would be advisable; because what transpires is an effect which leaves the wearer looking either so confused or so upset that they are rendered breathless. It is extremely upsetting and furthermore causes a chain reaction. By seeing a scowling mouth-breather, one can themselves become confused or upset to the point of heavy breathing subsequently effecting others around her/him. Eventually, whole buildings would be filled up with scowling mouth-breathers - in cities not called Washington D.C. - and the epidemic will spread. Let's, as a people, try to keep this epidemic under control with either the closed-mouth scowl, or the gaping relaxed-brow, as it goes without saying that the slightly confused and completely clueless create less cause for concern.  I have illustrated my point below.

Clueless

Confused

Do NOT do this in public!

To Show My Appreciation...

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Heinie or Cleavage?
(or neither)

Anyone guess neither?

Whenever you can, get ahold of your friends' phones
and make your arm-butt their wallpaper.
They'll love it!

i KNOW! i SAID that!

I'm not going to sue Comedy Central or anything but let's face it, this video pretty much follows my blog entitled "I never liked peeing in cups, even before I was a crack-whore" from seven months ago; until Aasif Mandvi points out that the Representative is a hypocritical-fucktard. See for yourself.

Read it here:

"I never liked peeing in cups, even before I was a crack-whore"

See it here:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Poor Pee-Ple
www.thedailyshow.com
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Our Little Litigator

You will never believe this, but the kid who was checking out bible colleges last week, lied through his stinkin' TEETH this week. It was hilarious! He missed class on Monday, although I saw him walking through campus later that day. Then when our professor asked if we were more awake today - a few people commented on their fatigue last class - than we were on Monday, the little litigator replied, "if you mean that I'm no longer in bed with the flu - yes." I really hope this joker is going to school for free: he needs to save his money to buy some character. The elderly Professor clarified, "You said you were in bed with the flu?" "Yeah," was all the snot-nose replied. So the Professor - buddha love him - inquired further: "You seem well. Was it just the 24 hour bug then?" and once again, Captain Snot's answer arrived in one brief word - "yeah." I was so close to spouting out, "Hey! Didn't I see you on campus Monday? I could have sworn I saw you!" but my intentions would have been transparent.

Mind you, World, my malice does not come without reason. Only about five minutes after he lied, LiL' was asked to scoot closer to the group - to be involved in the discussion - and he had to close Facebook. About a half an hour after that, he was commenting on someone's status. It's only the fourth week of the semester. Hopefully he'll decide it's a waste to show up and not participate and then I can really enjoy the class with out his incessant clicking and key-tapping. Either that or I'm going to have to embarrass the shit out of him. But, I hope it doesn't come to that.

Kiss My A$$!

My husband might just need to kiss my ass good-bye. Until recently, when I went to the gym, it seemed I only had sweat running down the middle of my back. Now, the sweat zone has extended to include my ass-crack; so I am literally sweating my ass off! Understanding the special relationship my husband has with my heinie, I think I should start to prepare him - it's like the polar icecaps, babe. It's melting! Actually I'm fairly certain he'll read this, so I may not have to say anything.

It's like the polar icecaps, Babe!

Global-warming is affecting my ass!

Zen Master

The kids woke up late this morning. They were tired. I was tired. We all wanted to stay in bed but couldn’t; I have class today. I care about getting my kids to school on time, but my motive to move on class days is driven by parking on campus: the earlier the better. I sucked down coffee, made lunches, and lit the proper amount of fires under the proper amount of rears to get in the car on time. It worked! The stop lights glowed green, and we pulled into the grade-school’s parking lot with plenty of time to spare. The kids were smiling and singing along with the radio and I was picturing the empty parking lot at the university until I heard panic in my daughters voice. Little-Woman had forgotten her backpack and her lunchbox; she was close to tears, and as I opened her door I heard myself promise to return home for her belongings. I drove back -- back past the gas station, back past the liquor store -- stopping at every light: all red. I fished out my iPod -- kissed the excellent parking goodbye -- and reminded myself that it was okay to get thrown off course every now and then. A tiny joggle in the day's routine just makes you appreciate the smooth days more. I was calm; in fact I was congratulating myself on my equanimity when my gas light came on and I thought, well goddamned, sonuvabitchin' world with its cockstinkin' constant dynamics and hell-shit!

Hurray for Dorky Dads!

Last week Little Man was part of a music concert at school. Hubby got us there early, picked out good seats and brought the video camera and tripod. Of course, half way through some blonde chick (I'm not making fun of blondes, but she didn't do herself or the color of her hair any favors here) stood up and moved right in the way of the camera. She kept trying to step backward and couldn't figure out what was in the way.... until she turned around. How do people not notice a tripod with a camera on it? In the end, we were able to give the music teacher a DVD containing one uncut hour of his hard work. It was precious; especially the part where the 3rd graders played solos on their recorders. But, when he was packing up the equipment, Hubby made some apologetic comment about being a dorky dad and I had to correct him. He was just being a DAD. It's a good thing.

Yesterday I went to the gym but didn't really feel like running, so I got on the stair mill.

I think I'm still sweating from this experience.

HAPPY FRIDAY!!

Put it away Junior!

Whew! Busy busy busy!

I have been banging out some homework these last couple of days. Actually I should be working right now, but I have three more hours before my evening class, so I'm shluffing just a bit.

Hubby has been giving me ample space by going to bed by 8:30 every night and I have been burning the oil, just one hour longer, to get some homework finished. All-in-all we have both been catching up on sleep and I have been catching up on homework. This weekend maybe we'll spend some quality time together.

So, there's this guy in my Medieval Literature class that surfs the internet during the entire class! On Monday he was looking up law degrees because, as he likes to announce proudly, he's "going to be a LAWYER!" He's adorable with his rosy cheeks, shiny eyes and a two-year-old lisp. I can actually picture his mom wiping his nose before he leaves the house. Today our little litigator spent the entire 75 minutes reading about Bible Colleges. At one point, he entered a FAQ's page and I saw the question, "Where can I go with a Bible College Degree?" I so desperately wanted to tap him on the shoulder and say, "Oh Honey, I know exactly where you can go with a Bible College Degree!" But, alas, he sits just out of reach.