The Price of Polish

Walgreens Employee: Can I help you find anything?

CyniSister: Have you seen this new fingernail polish that cracks as it dries?

Walgreens Employee: Yes.

CyniSister: Do you carry any of that?

Walgreens Employee: Tons. Do you know what brand you like best?

CyniSister: Uh, I guess I should go with the cheapest brand. I'm a teacher, not a stripper.


I felt pretty proud of that little quip, but when I realized that the polish really was more than I was willing to spend, I thought, Why am I getting an education?

Bullet Proof Bargains

I found myself at Cabela's today. I was looking for a soft tackle box to use as a purse, but I couldn't find any well-made ones, and they all said "Cabela's" on them. After a little more shopping, though, I ended up in the firearms department. It was busier than the rest of the store, and I almost turned around and got the hell out of there, but then I thought, wait, there is something I could shop for here! I looked for a little while, but then I walked up to a busy counter and asked loudly, "Could you point me in the direction of the bullet-proof vests? I can't seem to find them." "Ma'am, we do not carry bullet-proof vests," was the response I received. I said, "None? Not even in a different department?" The gentleman behind the counter only shook his head and I suddenly felt extremely unsafe. I was standing in the firearms section of a Cabela's in Wichita, Kansas, surrounded by more rifles, ammo, and reactionary bigots than bullet-proof anything. I was never more relieved to leave for the Goodwill.

This sells for $130 AND DOES NOT STOP BULLETS.

This stops bullets and sells for over $300 and you have to register on the site you buy it from.

This is an ad online by some guy who says he will "trade for other pistols, coins, or cash." I wish I was making this up.

We're all fucked. Thought you should know.

1BMF

Last night we arrived home later than usual. We were all hungry and I was only starting to cook dinner, so we all snacked. Do you want to know what my kids snacked on? Clementines, bananas, carrots, and celery. Why? Because I am one BAD MOTHER FUCKER -- that's why!

What I mean to say is that our lovely selection of food along with the eating habits of my children are a major source of contentment in my life, but I like the way I said it the first time, don't you?



(Our sack-lunches are pretty fuckin' righteous too, if I do say so myself.)

Happy Snacking World!

Sinister 2.0

I forgot. This is a great selling point for all those Pro-Lifers out there who also believe in the right to bear assault rifles! You people make my ass twitch.

Too Daniel Tosh? Too bad. It's true.

A Nice Dash of Paprika

I am delighted to relay this story to you. In fact, I am so excited, I scarcely know where to begin. There is so much that led up to this moment, and it was so awesome that I almost shared it's content, play-by-play, with every being I came in contact with since.

I NARFFLED THE GARTHOCK!!

Let's begin with this annoying mother at my kids' school, Leech. Once she spots you, she seizes your attention for conversation and NEVER LET'S YOU GO. This wouldn't be so bad, but Leech is that woman who is practiced in the art of negativity, but has yet to develop a reliable habit of brushing her teeth which are small and speckled, and as she talks through a tight jaw about anything and everything ugly in this world she somehow manages to omit herself. In fact, she loves to complain about how other people do their jobs, but offers no introspection on her own follies, and to make matters more interesting, she just so happens to teach where I do which she assumes makes us instant buddies. It doesn't. For a very long time I have refrained from writing about this specimen because if she ever found herself googling such phrases as "Leech sucks a fart out of my ass" or "The day Leech sucked my will to live" she might stumble upon my no-name blog and find she has a lot in common with the topic; but alas, I have come to realize that to humble this preposterous peacock would, in fact, be achieving a new standard of pride in my world. So here goes ...

"The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpening my tongue." -Dorothy Parker

She spotted me. It was not a big feat since I was the only one in the room at the time. She came over and immediately asked if I was ready for the spring semester to start. Knowing that she was searching for a neighbor in Negativity Land, I told her cheerily that, "Yes! Actually" I was. She asked if I was taking classes this semester, though she knew the answer, and I told her that I was not taking the required three: just two. She looked at me pityingly and said, "It's hard with a family." I shrugged and said, "Hell, it's hard without one. I have friends that said they couldn't do it. They take only two classes even when they're not teaching." She seemed to think this was despicable--I thought she might. Her nose shot up into the air, "Well five classes was minimum at my university--<sniff>--ivy league, you know. That's standard for ivy leagues." I was so NOT in the mood for her today, so I'm not sure why I was encouraging her. I told her I didn't see how that was possible since you could add up the pages of required reading in one week and see that there actually weren't enough days in the week to finish. She said, "You're supposed to hone the skill of skimming," and this is where it got fun. 

Leech: <smugly> "You're supposed to hone the skill of skimming, I think."

Me: <thoughtfully> "I would have thought ivy leaguers would have 'honed' that skill as undergrads." 

Leech: <slightly deflated head> "Well, they assign that amount of reading for a reason. They have to."

Me: <increasing momentum> "But if it isn't to actually READ it then you're really just earning a degree in bullshitting." (State School 2 - Ivy League 0)

Leech: <still fighting feebly> "They just, you know, challenge ...<trailing off>" 

Me: <gaining ground> "And they produce people like Bill O'Reilly, so I'm really not impressed."

Silence

Me again: <laughing> "Actually, it makes sense. Bill O'Reilly probably still doesn't read anything"  

BOO-YAH! With this, the Leech let go and walked away. Peace at last!

Hey kids, let this be a lesson.

In education, you get out what you put in. You don't need an Ivy League degree to be intelligent, but you DO need an Ivy League degree if you want everyone around you to think you're intelligent even when you're not.