Deprivation

Wow. Yesterday? No computer games. Just subbing, gym, dinner, homework, EXHAUSTION!!! I can't even wake up this morning. I'm on my third cup of joe and I still enter a dream sequence every time I blink. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...... See?! I'm actually following lesson plans with the middle schoolers and the work we have been doing requires me to be on my feet, walking around, helping them, all day long. My butt doesn't even get to look at a chair until 3:30 and somehow I am still going to the gym to sneak in a 10 minute run. Why? Addiction is the only reasonable explanation, because I could fall asleep on the edge of a roof right now and welcome the feeling the falling.

I hear voices in the hall... time to slave-drive one more time this week then I have two goals for this weekend, "SLEEP" and "HOMEWORK".

Selling Myself Again

I will be substituting at the middle school for the rest of this week and three days next week. Between college classes, the gym and the substitution,(not to mention those internet games I NEVER play) I will apologize now for any tardy or missing blog posts.

The good news is that I am getting lots of practice teaching for when I TEACH NEXT FALL!!  That's right!!  Who just accepted a position as a Graduate Teaching Assistant?? THIS GUY! (thumbs in appropriate positions)

To all of you Wichita seniors that are planning on attending WSU in the fall and are somehow reading this blog, be afraid. Be VERY afraid!!!! Muhwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!! Actually the middle schoolers have likened me to a kitten in scariness. So, I guess just be careful of my needle claws? It should be interesting.

Ok, that's lunch!

Just Threw Up a Little

I haven't commented on the Trayvon murder yet because: a. everyone else already has to great extent and b. the whole thing makes me want to vomit. (HuffPost Article)

Questions for Commissioners:

1. How do you justify beating and pepper-spraying peaceful protesters, and not at least arrest a man for shooting another man?

2. If I walked up to a cop and told them I had marijuana in my pocket (and did) wouldn't I see the inside of a jail cell? You are communicating your priorities with everything you do; you should know that.

3. How is local law enforcement serving and protecting the community by NOT arresting a shooter in ANY MURDER?! Even suspects of involuntary manslaughter get put behind bars until a preliminary hearing.

This country is in an ugly place.

"Serve and Protect"

Proceed with CAUTION

I pulled a muscle in my ass over the weekend while walking my dogs. I should say that my dog pulled a muscle in my ass since it was my dog who pulled and my ass that tried to stay where it was.

Does anyone else find it absurd the way our stop light system works? How in the hell does it make sense to go from the-right-of-way to proceed-with-caution, to STOP. In Europe the lights go from red to yellow to green which is admittedly un-american (hence, intelligent) since no one can go from 0-60 in the change of a light, no matter what they drive. You HAVE TO proceed with caution first while you get up to speed. Also, you get a green light after the cross road has been told to stop proceeding with caution. If you just jump right out there those cross-road cars may proceed-with-cuation right into your driver-side door. It simply isn't a reasonable process. It should be: STOP, Proceed-with-caution, then GO-GODDAMNIT!

WHAT?!

Heel, Wheel, and Sing!

What's the general consensus on a 33-year-old being jealous of her son's Heelys? Because, I am. How could anyone NOT want to go from walking to rolling with a kick of their heel? I'm sure I would bust something, but somehow that doesn't seem to matter to me.

I went to a toy store after the gym today and the lady working there let me drive a Plasma Car around inside. I loved it! I want one of those too! I think they should be our new, non-gas, way of travel.
Imagine a slightly more adult size one of these with a compartment for groceries or a kid. ha! I would ride it to school everyday.

Today, at the gym, a woman on a stationary bike was singing along to whatever was pumping through her headphones. It was awesome! I wondered if she knew she was singing out loud, then I wondered if I had ever sung out loud with out realizing it. Hmmm... too late now I suppose.

I'm declaring it Inner-Child Day here in Kansas. It's Friday! Time to play!

The Back Seat

The weather today is deliciously dreary, it's been raining for three days now. This is possibly the longest rain I've seen in Wichita in the six years we've lived here. I love it! St. Louis gets rain like this often and the trees and grass, bushes and flowers practically glow. That's what is happening now. The green is a beautiful bright green and I actually heard someone complaining about the rain. Poor thing; the rain I mean. It's going to think it's ugly the way people talk about it, but it's not. It's absolutely gorgeous!

While we were in Tulsa, great things kept happening to us. It was as if the trip was well needed and the universe was rewarding us for taking it. First the guys on the elevator tipped us off that there was an event at the stadium free of charge. Then, while at the stadium the kids got some free play time on inflatables, one of which was a two story slide. But just before we left I was getting a picture of Hubby with the city behind him and the mascot came cruising up on a scooter to crash the photo. He was really animated and insisted on also getting in a photo with the kids. Little Man was not in a picture-taking mood, but somehow that fully-animated, hairy, blue creature -- I think it was a bull -- persuaded him to pose for me. How? I have no idea.

Then on our ride back, Little Woman took a nap and Little Man asked for my camera. These are the photos he took. I know they're not much, but for some reason, I find pleasure in seeing things from our children's point of view.

House of BULL 954

So apparently now, Georgia state Rep. Terry England, is in support of HB (House Bill) 954 that would require a woman to carry a dead fetus until birth. This could kill the woman, but as long as the gestation period was good and long what's two dead bodies on our hands? Right?


I understand. If we allow women to remove the dead fetus from their wombs after 20 weeks of pregnancy, than we would in effect be aborting a baby (albeit a dead one). Since we can't give women any excuse to take care of their own bodies we must force them risk their lives for the sake of a stillborn fetus. It's only fair? I'm sorry. I'm trying to see how this makes sense, but I just can't. I wish someone other than Terry England could explain it to me. You see he has tried. 


According to Rep. England he was told by some chicken farmer  "Mr. Terry, I want to tell you something. You tell those folks down there when they quit killing babies, they can have every chicken I’ve got." (HuffPost Article) And this was, somehow, Terry's excuse for supporting a bill that would risk the life of a mother to enable a dead baby to be born -- what the hell to chickens even have to do with it? I would love to ask this chicken guy, and Terry England alike, just what exactly they think we will do with all those chickens if we had them?? We may kill and eat them. OR we may wait for them to birth their very own delicious fetuses before we snatch them up, break them open, fry the embryos and devour them with a little salt and pepper. YUM! 


I think if Terry England would like to compare us women to pigs, cows and chickens, maybe we should start harvesting our own eggs and serving them to him on a golden platter. Even vegetarians eat eggs Mr. England! Unless you plan to kill women and hickory smoke them for your dinner table, you should probably keep the animal analogies down to a minimum.


p.s. I'm feeling chesty today. (To The Daily Show: Since you're probably writing material for this right now, you have my permission to use this post. And BTW, I have a great idea for a morbid skit.)

Luck-o-the-Irish

We, no shit, took a trip to Tulsa on the spur of the moment. Well, as spur-of-the-moment as a family can be. Basically, we woke up on Friday not knowing we were going anywhere and Friday after school/work we were packing our bags. We stayed downtown, on the tenth floor of a Holiday Inn. From our window we could see the Central Library, a fountain, a courtyard and about three parking garages -- not to mention all the tall buildings towering above us.

As we always do, after checking in at a hotel, we took an elevator tour. We went to the third floor to check out the fitness facility, the first floor to find the business center and restaurant, and the second floor to see the swimming pool. As we were leaving the second floor some guys in swim trunks and open shirts got on the elevator with drinks in their hands. They were too tan for March and one was wearing jewelry. Right away they started and dominated a conversation about my son's St. Louis Cardinal t-shirt. They asked if we were there to see the trophy. We were just able to communicate our confusion when the elevator door opened to the tenth floor and the gentleman with the gold chain held it there to tell us why he was in Tulsa that weekend. While the kids circled anxiously around us -- the doors trying to close twice and the elevator alarm sounding continuously -- the gold-clad gentleman told us how he would be taking the World Series Trophy to Oneok Stadium the following day. He practically demanded we come down and take a picture with it. We told him we would, not sure if our arrangement was made out of empathy or to stop the chaos, and the doors closed leaving us with the hum of the ice machine, the smell of liquor, and the reverberating sound of the alarm. 

Needless to say, the Stadium was within walking distance from the hotel for everyone but our daughter, who was a champion the whole way there and earned a few piggy-back rides on the way back. It was a beautiful morning, a gorgeous walk and the guys from the elevator recognized us and remembered that I am from St. Louis. They gave me a tour of the trophy, donning white gloves to turn it around and show me the Tiffany stamp on it's bottom edge. It was very nice of them. I'm not actually a fan of Pro or College Sports, but I am a huge fan of all things shiny. And this was very shiny!

Spring Break Wichita!

Last week when Jimmy Kimmel poked fun at Wichita, the city council was upset that he missed some of our time-honored spring-break traditions.

Like these:

The Gay Bashing Tournament held anywhere downtown,

The Racist Slur Seminar sponsored by the Kansas Kountry Klub,

Feminazi Witch Hunt -- Free Hotdogs to the first forty feminazis captured.

The 50th annual "That-Bitch-Had-It-Coming" Beer Belly Competition

and the ever popular,

"Bible Or Bust" Banned Books Bonfire! (We supply the books, you supply the marshmallows)

Jimmy next time you want to make fun of a hickville, check with it's local residents first, ok? (we have much better material)

*** Just kidding Wichita, you know I love you by association. ***

Off my Chest and Out my Ovaries

I have to get this last bit off my chest, then I'll be done. Promise.

After pouring over the details surrounding this heated contraception debate, brought to everyone's attention by a loud mouth brute, I've decided I no longer agree with the Obama administration. I don't think it's enough simply requiring insurance companies to cover contraception. I think they should have to cover it ONE HUNDRED PERCENT. 

Here's why:

1. Since we consider pregnancy to be a medical condition and said medical condition costs thousands of dollars with health insurance, birth control pills should be covered 100% as a preventative treatment.

2. Women don't use birth control to have more sex. Like men, women use CONDOMS to have more sex since that is the only contraceptive that protects (99.9% of the time) from STDs.

2. Birth Control is taken by women who, in a relationship or not, have a medical need or want to do what the name says: control birth.

Bottom line: Men's reproductive health has nothing to do with sex and neither does women's. We have organs that need to work efficiently. Stop making this about your penises.

I Woulda POPPED a Gasket!

First let me start by saying that Sandra Fluke is a WARRIOR! If a CNN correspondent had read this comment to me on the air, I probably would have tried to come through the camera. I certainly would not have remained as calm as she did. Sandra Fluke, it's too late for me, but I hope my daughter grows up to be as level-headed and well-spoken as you! Thank You for THIS! Keep it up!

Rhythm of the Sunrise

My XM channel is set to Electric Area as I drive to school every morning. It's pretty amazing to watch the droves of people, myself included, racing through their lives to the rhythm of the sunrise.

I'm tired world. Some suits decided to take an hour from me this weekend. Next they'll try to tell the world which way to turn. I can feel my moon fading. Let us rejuvenate.

I connected with a complete stranger today through feminism. It is still alive and we will bring it back. Spread the word, Feminism is a belief that women possess the same capacity as men. Recent events show that there is no turning back. Sisters, hold on to your bras!

˛~✴~✮¯˘*ˇ❤˘*˘¯✮~✴~¸_˛~✴~✮¯˘*ˇ☮˘*˘¯✮~✴~¸_˛~✴~✮¯˘*ˇ☯˘*˘¯✮~✴~¸

A State of Nausea

To steal -- and tweak -- a line form Dumb and Dumber I must say:
Just when I though Kansas couldn't get any dumber, its registered Republicans vote for Anal Foam as a presidential candidate, and it COMPLETELY redeems itself.

Good job Kansas. Way to live up to the already low expectation for the state. Santorum? Really?!  This man said that "separation of church and state" made him want to puke.

Here's a little joke I learned in the Military:
Adam and Steve were having sex one night when suddenly Adam had to get some more lube. He told Steve he'd be right back and not to cum without him, but upon returning Adam noticed something on the bed and said, "Steve I thought I told you to wait for me!" and Steve said, "I didn't cum! I farted! That's just SANTORUM on the sheets."


That one's for you Kansas! X's and O's!!

Just Sayin'

I received an email yesterday that contained this message:

Tonight is the first and second grade music concert. Students need to be in the gym by 6:45 ready to go. Girls need to wear a dress, skirt or jumper and boys should wear nice slacks (or khakis) with a dress shirt. (tie is optional). 

This is how I responded:

It would make me indescribably happy if you could include the boys in being permitted to wear dresses, skirts, etc., but, because that may raise some eyebrows, I was wondering if we might just include the girls in the permission of "nice slacks". Since the mid 20th century when Katherine Hepburn made them stylish, pants have been an acceptable garment for females -- especially on this day, March 8th -- International Women's Day. Let's give it a go, shall we?

Girls are allowed to where pants. Just so you know.

Where Grandma was Sleeping

That storm last night didn't affect me negatively at all. I don't mind having to wash my daughters sheets because our big, lovable, wuss of a Coon Hound climbed in bed with my mother when the thunder and lighting threatened to scare the hair off of him. And I thought it was rather fun plugging the blowdryer into an extension cord to melt the ice around my mother's sun roof so that it would close after being open all night -- through the rain, snow, and ice storm that scared the hair off the dog. Not a bad morning at all. Rather enjoyed myself actually; in fact, I'm thinking about making it into a children's book.

This is the bed where Grandma was sleeping.

This is the dog who shed his hair,

on the bed where Grandma was sleeping.

This is the thunder

that scared the dog,

who shed his hair,

on the bed where Grandma was sleeping.

This is the ice storm

that brought the thunder

that scared the dog,

who shed his hair,

on the bed where Grandma was sleeping.

This is the sunroof that was open all night,

throughout the ice storm

that brought the thunder

that scared the dog, 

who shed his hair,

on the bed where Grandma was sleeping.

This is the ice which froze the sunroof

that was open all night,

throughout the ice storm,

that brought the thunder,

that scared the dog,

who shed his hair,

on the bed where Grandma was sleeping.

This is the blowdryer,

that melted the ice,

which froze the sunroof,

that was open all night,

throughout an ice storm,

which brought the thunder,

that scared the dog,

who shed his hair,

on the bed where Grandma was sleeping.

I Love Sex

I am way too giggly today. I would love to alleviate my unrest and write dissertations on the social disease being spread by Judge Cebull, Rush Limbaugh and Kirk Cameron to name a few, but damn it, I can't quit giggling! It started in the gym and since then I feel like the universe is testing me: it is presenting awkward and silly things non-stop and challenging me not to spit out my water. This is a TEST! Actually this is an endorphin high but damn it if this stuff isn't funny.

Between Will Smith lip-syncing "The Banana Boat Song" in The Fresh Prince on the gym T.V.; the research specialist with his pregnant belly, missing shirt button and hands on his nonexistent hips; the extremely important graduate student running through the hall in a false panic; and the wind almost blowing me over twice between classes; I feel like I'm in an episode of MadTV and have completely lost my motivation to smack down the dummies. However, this much is obvious:

1. Conservatives and their pundits don't want women to enjoy heterosexual sex,

2. Kirk Cameron doesn't want men to enjoy homosexual sex,

3. Limbaugh gets hard disapproving of both,

and

4. Cebull is a giant dildo who's jealous that the First Lady doesn't need him.


But all of those DICKS can SUCK IT!


Because I LOVE SEX and since my husband's vasectomy was covered by our insurance, I will continue to ENJOY SEX AS MUCH AS I DAMN WELL PLEASE and YOU CAN'T STOP ME. (And Rush, since I'm not on the pill, I won't be taking a video; my husband however, would be happy to sign a photo of his nut sack and send it your way.)

What a Rush!

The question on everyone's -- sane -- mind is: If there were a pill that Rush Limbaugh could take daily that would allow him to talk as much as he wanted and never regret anything he spewed, would it be possible for him to blab so much that he couldn't afford it?

Dear Rush,

A few notes.

First of all, saying that someone wants to get paid for sex because she's on birth control is like saying you want to star in gay porn because you had your prostate checked. Have you had your prostate checked lately, sir? You are at that age you know.

I was on birth control before I was sexually active because my menstruation started at a late 16 and was irregular. The contraceptive helped regulate my hormones and subsequent cycle. Speaking of responsibility, you were addicted to Oxycontin at what age? How many women have you had sex with?

Maybe I've been influenced by Freud too much in my education, but when you compare women's health to prostitution you make it obvious that your only word association for "woman" is "prostitute" and that probably tells multitudes about your personal life.

Also, people like you make it difficult to rationalize raising a daughter in this world. Which reminds me: How many illegitimate daughters did you slander with your comments about contraceptives?

I think Al Franken said it best, in 1999, when he said:

If you'll excuse me. I need to go let a Rush out my Limbaugh. I bet you wish there was a morning-after pill for your mouth right about now.

Over the Line

This is the newest addition to our record collection.  From the cover, you can't tell that the music is fantastic or that the guy with glasses is grabbing the other guy's ass. Seriously. I love this album on so many levels: suspenders and mustaches are just two of them.

By the way, these are the "One-Toke-Over-The-Line" guys.

Check it out:

Physical, Physical!

I always change the television in the locker rooms to 80's POP because the music is from my childhood and because they show videos. Oh yeah!

This video is AWESOME... had to share.




(Sorry, you may need to go to YouTube to watch it. Asses)