Golf Clap

It's time again for some reflection. I just gave a campus tour to one of our visiting scholars. Actually she's a candidate for an open position in the English Department. She's a smart women--she's written multitudes beyond me--but I couldn't stand her facade. She was obsequious almost the entire time with absolutely no need to be. I don't choose the professors here--have no say in it what-so-ever. But what bothered me the most is that I am not a negative person, yet she kept making me feel like I was being negative. Here's how it would happen: I would be saying something positive about an aspect of the campus, she would ask a probing question, I would respond with positivity, she would ask a personal question, I would tell her what I could, she would boost up what I said in some obnoxious way forcing me to either boast about myself or be humble, I would choose comedy and put myself down in an amusing way and, instead of laughing, she would rebut my joke. Oh.. that's what it was. She had no sense of humor. Ugh... how do these people exist on a daily basis without laughing? I mean, look around. This shit is funny! Maybe my preferred humor is too dark or snarky. Maybe people like to keep it light. How do you even do that?

Damn. I hoped to write this and answer some of my questions, not discover more.

What is the major difference between light and dark humor? And the real question: Is light humor even funny? or does it just produce the laughter equivalent to a golf clap?

I hope this woman was just nervous. If she gets hired, I hope to find out that instead of a golf clapper she's really an Arsenio Hall fist-pumper.



GIFSoup

And by "great" I mean

I'm going to lie down and read, and by "read" I mean "think about tomorrow," and by "think about tomorrow" I mean "over-analyze my lesson plan," and by "lesson plan," I mean "one sentence description of something I've done only once before," and by "sentence," I mean "fragment," and by "once," I mean "never."  I'm sure it'll be great! Maybe I'll just read.

Flu-like Symptoms

I just couldn't NOT share.

Click the screenshot for a better image:

The Price of Polish

Walgreens Employee: Can I help you find anything?

CyniSister: Have you seen this new fingernail polish that cracks as it dries?

Walgreens Employee: Yes.

CyniSister: Do you carry any of that?

Walgreens Employee: Tons. Do you know what brand you like best?

CyniSister: Uh, I guess I should go with the cheapest brand. I'm a teacher, not a stripper.


I felt pretty proud of that little quip, but when I realized that the polish really was more than I was willing to spend, I thought, Why am I getting an education?

Bullet Proof Bargains

I found myself at Cabela's today. I was looking for a soft tackle box to use as a purse, but I couldn't find any well-made ones, and they all said "Cabela's" on them. After a little more shopping, though, I ended up in the firearms department. It was busier than the rest of the store, and I almost turned around and got the hell out of there, but then I thought, wait, there is something I could shop for here! I looked for a little while, but then I walked up to a busy counter and asked loudly, "Could you point me in the direction of the bullet-proof vests? I can't seem to find them." "Ma'am, we do not carry bullet-proof vests," was the response I received. I said, "None? Not even in a different department?" The gentleman behind the counter only shook his head and I suddenly felt extremely unsafe. I was standing in the firearms section of a Cabela's in Wichita, Kansas, surrounded by more rifles, ammo, and reactionary bigots than bullet-proof anything. I was never more relieved to leave for the Goodwill.

This sells for $130 AND DOES NOT STOP BULLETS.

This stops bullets and sells for over $300 and you have to register on the site you buy it from.

This is an ad online by some guy who says he will "trade for other pistols, coins, or cash." I wish I was making this up.

We're all fucked. Thought you should know.

1BMF

Last night we arrived home later than usual. We were all hungry and I was only starting to cook dinner, so we all snacked. Do you want to know what my kids snacked on? Clementines, bananas, carrots, and celery. Why? Because I am one BAD MOTHER FUCKER -- that's why!

What I mean to say is that our lovely selection of food along with the eating habits of my children are a major source of contentment in my life, but I like the way I said it the first time, don't you?



(Our sack-lunches are pretty fuckin' righteous too, if I do say so myself.)

Happy Snacking World!

Sinister 2.0

I forgot. This is a great selling point for all those Pro-Lifers out there who also believe in the right to bear assault rifles! You people make my ass twitch.

Too Daniel Tosh? Too bad. It's true.