Really? Wait. What?!

The phone rang tonight. It was from "Out of Area" which of course means that it was my 80-something year-old, next-door neighbor -- the one who kills my grass and thinks I'm a horrible parent. I can answer my phone once again when she calls since I've started calling her out on things that she does to our property. For instance, last summer I asked her not to spray our grass ever again. Then this spring, I asked her to keep her mowers off our grass since we are aware that her concrete is actually on our property - not our grass on hers. I've also started letting her know, in subtle ways, that I don't give a rat's ass what she thinks about my parenting. The most recent example of this happened a few days after Gryffindor adopted us. Another, black and white fur ball appeared on our doorstep and Polly rang our doorbell to see if we wanted another cat. She gave us a sales pitch by pointing out how cute the cat was, saying that it might be pregnant, and talking about what a sweet disposition it had. I checked for claws and found some (on the cat). I explained that I took in Gryff because he was clawless. In that case, she thought I should feed it and then maybe it would go away. I told her I've been feeding my kids since they were born and they haven't left. Anyway, she's coming around to the idea that she's my neighbor, not my keeper. So when she called tonight I answered. The kids scaled her fence earlier that day for a lost shoe. I thought the least I could do was field the complaint when it came in. I answered the phone, "Hi Polly!" just to keep her on her toes. Well, apparently she called because she read some useful tips in a book or magazine or something and wanted to share.
I figured I might as well pass these little nuggets of knowledge along because I can't imagine in what alternate universe I would begin to need them. Tip #1: to untangle necklaces, put olive oil on the knot then use the point of a pen (or pin?) to kneed the knot out. Tip #2: to store necklaces, cut a straw in half and thread the necklace through the straw. I thanked her for these, but she wasn't finished. Tip #3: to get a stuck ring off your finger... Preparation H! She then proceeded to explain what Preparation H is and how it works. If I had a way to play back the audio of my neighbor explaining how "Preparation H restricts the blood vessels" you would all be in for a treat tonight. As it is, this will just remain my own personal sunshine for days to come.

So, what d'you do today?