My Kids Are FaceTubing...

A friend recently had a freak out on Facebook about his ex-wife getting their son a cell phone and helping him set up a Facebook account. He's 8. My daughter is 8 as well. At first I agreed with him. They had discussed it and agreed on a strict "no Facebook" policy. The ex-wife broke that agreement. He had every right to be upset, I thought. But my very next thought was, "What can he do about it?" And the answer is--NOTHING: Not a damn thing. When their son is at his mom's, he will Facebook to his heart's content.

Then this happened...

My children got the Kindle Fire for Christmas. They immediately wanted to "Facebook" with us. I began to panic. Ideas of a forgotten childhood, lost innocence and lack of discipline ran through my head. What if they embarrass themselves? What if they embarrass ME??

But here's the rub: they wanted to Facebook with their PARENTS. They don't want to "Facebook" to be connected to cynical underground societies. They want to be part of MY SOCIETY. They want to hang with the relatives, the FamBam! They want to "share" pictures of kittens and puppies and "Like" AFV clips.

I finally realized three important things.

1. The best place to hide is right out in the open. 

I want control and I want it BAD. But from the time children are born, the only control parents really have is an illusion. We are more like bumpers on a bowling lane, constantly making sure the kids don't fall in the gutter. There is no better way to "control" their experiences than letting them have those experiences RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. They will trip. They WILL fall. Your only job as a parent is to help them brush off the dirt and get rolling again. And the more you help them, the less you'll have to. So, when they become adults, they just might have some pretty petty mistakes behind them. And won't that make you feel better when it comes time to let them go?

Also, imagine the public support you can give them. You don't just have to whisper, "I love you" in their ears at bedtime; you can announce it proudly on their timeline! Letting more than just your kids know that you've got their back.

2. They will like what you like, whether or not you like that!

When an 8 year old gets on Facebook. Her/His only friends are your friends. If your friends are embarrassing than you should re-think your choice in associations. True, I only have 88 friends on Facebook, but I dearly love every single one of them and trust them to represent a world in which my kids can hang... and may even get a little bored. I hear a lot about lost innocence in the face of a corrupt world, but there is something to say for bringing a little innocence into a corrupt world. Maybe the world around us, like that guy that gets drunk and starts telling sexist jokes at a party, just needs a friendly reminder that there are kids present. 

Remember: It may take a village to raise a child, but in the 21st century, that village is virtual and it's filled with your choice of supervisors. No village in history was ever made up of only citizens a parent approved of. Take advantage!

3. Like fighting with their siblings, you really hope they outgrow it.

I don't know how many times I've thought that I'm getting too old for Facebook, but then my mom shares something cool and there I am, using hieroglyphics to express my enthusiasm. Over all, it bores me, but I've been there for 10 years. If my kids are "over it" in 10 years, they will be midway through college. So, when all their friends, who experienced Facebook prohibition for the past decade of their lives, start posting stupid shit and airing dirty laundry and drama for the world to see, there's a pretty good chance my kids will unplug, unfriend, or at least disengage. 

It seems redundant at this point, but prohibition never worked. Tell a kid to stay away from the window and as soon as you're not looking she/he will look out the damn window. However, giving freedom and teaching responsibility has had great results in recent history. Call yourself a bumper. Call yourself a referee. Call yourself a life coach... but if you call yourself unprepared, remember that your child is growing and thank goodness for that!

4. Parents still make rules.

Because my children are too young to have a Facebook account, their accounts are my accounts. Sure, they may play on them and comment on posts, and post pictures, etcetera, but until they are 13 years old, mom, dad and grandma reserve the right to shut it down. Hopefully that never happens, but if if does, hopefully it doesn't happen until after they have experienced some minor failure and subsequent retro- and introspection. It's good for growth.

In short...

I realized that the only time I struggle with my kids is when I am trying to baby them. My kids constantly amaze me with their level of maturity, and the only thing I could possible do to ruin our relationship is to impede upon their personal growth. At their age, they still listen to my advice, heed my warnings and accept my guidance. Letting them grow up is the only option I have ever had since their birth, and the brilliant thing is that children NEED to jump headlong into things they are not ready for, because that is how they grow. All we ever need to be to children is accepting life coaches.

So, I've crossed my fingers and let them jump. Now all I have to do is be supportive and a little watchful... but isn't that the definition of parenthood?

Tossing Christmas Cookies

I know, I know. You've just spent the last two days elbow-deep in fudge, cookie dough, and pie filling. Your fingers are sticky and your tongue is raw. Your Christmas Card display is full and you cringe at the stragglers being delivered this close to go-day. You count and recount the cards you didn't send out this year, and lie to yourself about using them next year. I know. Me too. Last night, I had to drink a bottle of peppermint extract to offset the negative digestion happening after a second fudge square and fifteenth Double-Chocolate-Chip-and-Walnut cookie somehow made it's way to my stomach. I've made arts and crafts with last year's Christmas cards, barely making a dent, and I am currently on my treadmill looking for ways to offload some more of this sugary holiday cheer.

But let's not be hasty. Between the sugar frenzy and the explosion of paper, it's easy to get caught up and forget what's really important. Let's just take a deep breath, down a gallon of water, and try not to do anything too stupid this year, like puke in Santa's boots(it's okay Uncle Henry, they washed out).

For instance...

There is an event going around Facebook right now encouraging people to take cookies and cards to their local police department for the holidays.

I live in St. Louis(well... just outside).

To me, this is like the NRA setting up a rally in a town recently hit with a mass murder.

Why aren't we being urged to take our cookies and cards to the local Fire Departments and Emergency Rooms? They protect and save lives too(even when you are rushed there for stupidly trying to have a little hot cocoa with your cup of marshmallows, or trying to roast chestnuts on an open fire).

Maybe it's because the FD and EMTs weren't recently in the news for shooting an unarmed man.

Quite frankly, this ill-timed outpour of support for the PD makes me want to puke(and it has nothing to do with that chocolate covered double stuff I had for breakfast!!). I think we should be just a little more mindful of what our support says to society as a whole and not just throw it around loosely.

There are HUNDREDS of people who have made careers of giving up holidays to help/save/protect people. Why not bring them some holiday cheer? And like parents with a child, what's wrong with showing support for positive behavior and refusing to reward negative outcomes?

(Or ignoring the little bastards and hoping they go away...)

I'm going to do what I do every year, and that is to guzzle some Southern Comfort and give cookies to the mail person and trash collectors(maybe not in that order), because with out them, my Christmas just wouldn't happen, or it would, but afterward I'd be forced to eat a pile of wrapping paper. Talk about negative digestion.

So, please, this holiday season, be careful where you toss your cookies,
And have a Happy Holiday!

Private Schooling on a Budget

I have begun the unthinkable. I am officially home-schooling my children. Actually, I'm not so much homeschooling as I am Private-schooling on a budget. No, I am not insane. Well, maybe a little, but my mother has always wanted me to teach and the only children I can really stand to be around day-after-day are my own. I'm college educated and I can't find a job that is both fulfilling and lucrative. So, while I don't make any money homeschooling, I do consider the $20,000 a year we are saving in private education to be a major benefit.

We are following E.D. Hirsch's "Core Knowledge" books and visiting the library for supplemental material. We are also using the foreign language link on the Library's website to learn Spanish for free and hope to add German and French in the future. My children are building relationships with the librarians as we see them weekly to turn-in, check-out, and place holds on books. My son is the shy one and he is now reading a book that he looked up on the computer, wrote down on a piece of paper, and requested it be put on hold with the librarian.

The kids are also enrolled part time in the local elementary school. Did you know that you could do that?? You can! You pay taxes—I hope—so the school is there for you to use. My children spend an hour every Monday participating in grade level art with their friends. FO FREE!

Anyway... I'm telling you this because once again my writing may be sporadic and school centered. I apologize. I may just be insane.

Casting Ballots

It always astonishes me that we can do something so unnecessary to voters, we can put fences on over-passes, we can keep people from sky-diving alone without earning a license first, we can make EVERY mattress manufacturer install a firewall--making mattresses un-flippable, and we can deny women the right to insurance coverage, but so much as suggest that we increase the regulation on assault rifles (because tens-of-thousands of people including children die every year) and suddenly people start screaming about constitutional rights. smh  We need more voters!!

Garden Update

Our garden is in full bloom! We even harvested some onions and red potatoes!

Now. My life has changed.

We didn't plant the butterfly, but isn't it PRETTY?!  #NoChemies

XO

Salad Spinners

I have a ranch problem.

I LOVE ranch dressing. I love homemade ranch, restaurant ranch, hidden valley ranch, etc. If it is dressing and it is ranch, I'm in love.

It's not that I haven't tried other dressings. I have. I have liked other dressings, bought other dressings and finished entire bottles of other dressings. I have a special place in my heart for a certain strawberry poppyseed dressing over a dried-cranberry, feta cheese, and spinach salad, but when I'm not trying to broaden my horizons or break the monotony, it's ranch every time.

So what's the problem?

The one thing I have always disliked about most dressings, especially ranch, was their inability to spread evenly over a salad. You really need to maintain a nice dressing to veggie ratio in every bite, or else why not just have a granola bar? Ya' know? Even the most yummy of vinaigrettes can go from "does not compute" to "sensory overload" with one tip of the bottle. It's a disaster waiting to happen.

The only solution I've found is water. Even though I now eat all organic veggies, I still rinse my lettuce. I don't know why. Part of me assumes that this has been done for me, but the other part of me assumes that some sort of chrysanthemum extract may be used to deter insect consumption and I don't imagine that chrysanthemum juice mixes well with tomatoes and cucumbers.

But whenever I have a salad with fellow enthusiasts, it's always, "Gosh-golly-gee-wiz! No salad spinner?!" I shamefully and rigorously shake my lettuce off, and assuming they do not like the watered down version of their dressing, I apologize profusely.

Well not anymore! I "don't need no stinkin'" salad spinners!

I'm not protesting anything here. I just wanted you to know that it's okay to eat a salad without a salad spinner. Watered down ranch is really good and good for you!

There is probably some life lesson I could infuse this with, but I'm not the crispiest crouton this week.

<insert inspiration>
Eat your veggies!
XO

An Obvious Lack of Introspection

When I was growing up, I could be extremely abrasive at times. When hit, I hit back harder; it's the way I was taught. But I didn't always have the best results. I simply attacked with out even the smallest amount of preparation. Shakespeare, who once said that "revenge is...best served cold,' would have hung me up by my hot-pants. My older brother, on the other hand, was not like this.  Like the Empire, he took his time building up the strength to strike back, but it was quick, painful, and always left a mark.

One day in high school my brother found himself in a situation that would be referred to now-a-days as "religious bullying," but in the 90's it was just annoying banter. This girl had been following him after class everyday arguing with him and berating him about any myriad of religious topics. Apparently it had come up in a classroom discussion that he was agnostic, or atheist, or whatever it was that year, and she decided she would take it upon herself to convert him by being pushy and insulting. Mikey tried to engage in some semblance of a philosophical discussion, but when it became clear that all Mary wanted to do was convince him of his eternal damnation, he simply began ignoring her.

Mary, the poor dear, had pimples, frizzy dirty-blonde hair, a swollen face, and croutons for teeth. I'm sure she's lovely now, but back then she was one of the many people that made me wonder if they owned a mirror—or a toothbrush. But this isn't just about outward appearances or being hatefully Christian. There is a woman at my kids' school who constantly over-books herself, inevitably flakes out on something important, and then blames everyone and everything outside of herself. This is not an attractive quality for a 46 year old and although I'm not sure a mirror could help at this point, it couldn't hurt.

My point is that I have an adverse reaction to people who lack the tiniest bit of introspection. I no longer bite the heads off bats, like when I was in high school, but I don't take Mike's approach either—which was to wait until Mary asked him for the third Monday in a row, "Did you even go to church yesterday?" and respond with "Did you even brush your teeth today?" Like I said, she is probably lovely these days and over that awkward stage of bullying people into believing in God. But who can't see that the way we approach a situation is often the thing that is causing the situation to be what it is? hmmm... was that too far down the rabbit hole?

What I mean is that a modicum of introspection can nail down a person's most frequent bad decisions, in the same way that a mirror can reveal a person's need for heightened hygiene.

As far as people around me who lack introspection? I haven't figured out a good protest yet. All I've accomplished, so far, is the ability to stare without pointing. And mentioning every time someone is in direct conflict with themselves can be tedious and mean(and Karma wouldn't like it). So, for now, I'm protesting this obvious lack of introspection by looking at my SELF in the "mirror"(I actually don't need a mirror for this). It can be scary, I know. What if I find out that I really don't like myself? Well, I have good news about that. Thanks to Timothy Leary's book Change Your Brain, and the movie "What the Bleep do We Know?" I no longer have to be afraid of what I might discover when I look at myself. Sometimes I find Mary and sometimes I find Mike, but as long as I'm introspecting, I inevitably find myself and this Life thing is getting a whole lot easier.

... Speaking of Mike and Mary, Timothy Leary also wrote a book called Your Brain is God, which could probably clear some things up and make this bullying thing seem almost heartfelt. Now, don't we all feel better?

XO

Look at that pretty pretty brain god!